User Profile

I am in my 40s. I have been on a personal journey of self discovery and enlightenment my whole life. I have been married for over 20 years. We are still married and have several children.

For over 10 years I went through a very unhappy period in my marriage. To me it seemed my wife had stopped loving me. Sex was very rare (It was not unusual for weeks or months to pass between what felt like 'begrudging pity fucks.'), she became very emotionally cold and distant, and there was little to no physical affection. This crushed me. Wore me down. I tried everything. Self help books, Fix-your-relationship books, and anything you can think of. Nothing helped. I came to be nearly suicidal at times as I became convinced the problem was me.

During this period, I cheated several times on my wife. In each case I was very depressed and the 'affairs,' such as they were, were with friends who tuned into my hurting and reached out to help me. It is important to be clear that I wasn't some pig out cruising for a piece of ass. I was offered and took comfort from some wonderful loving people when I needed desperately to feel like someone loved me and was attracted to me.

As a result, I came to understand that I am polyamorous. For me this came with the realization that I have never fallen OUT of love with anyone I fell in love with. My heart goes right on loving, even if I realize someone is too toxic to be in my life or incompatible somehow.

Several years ago, I came clean to my wife about the affairs and 'came out' to her as being poly (and a Dominant in the BDSM sense). The years since have been a roller coaster ride. We spent some anxious time trying to see if we could stay married and if we each wanted to. We did, are, and want to be. But it isn't easy. That 'coming out' was a wake-up-call for both of us, but was especially so for my wife.

My wife has a lot of issues. She is controlling, emotionally abusive, jealous, sarcastic, paranoid, and suffers from a lot of self-image and self-esteem problems. But I love her with all my heart and soul. Besides the negative qualities I just noted, she can be loving, sexy, caring, supportive, and just plain wonderful to be around. I realize that her journey through life has left her with her own scars and baggage. I choose to deal with those so I can share every day of my life with her.

This blog is a place for me to anonymously rant, vent, and break down. I don't have anyone in my life to talk about this to. And for reasons that will become apparent I am inhibited from being fully open about my thoughts and feelings to my wife. I have few friends right now and those I do have, I don't feel I can dump all this on them. They have their own struggles and drama, they don't need mine.

Some readers may not agree with the premise of polyamory. To such readers I simply say move on.

Friends (1):

Mutual Friends (1):